Bad Night...

No particular reason, I guess. Just feeling especially sorry for myself this evening. I was doing well most of the weekend, though. So, I guess an off night is okay. Its just... As much I want to get on with the bleeding... That's really "it," if you know what I mean? Granted, I've gotten quite used to the idea that its all happened again. I really, really have. I'm not even shocked. I was the only one consistently saying that I thought something wasn't right... I had a bad feeling! But, everyone insisted that it was different this time! *buzzer sound* Wrong-O!

I don't know what I'm even saying anymore! Great! Just a really depressing night... following a really depressing week!

Did I have my whine about Tuesday? I don't recall! I don't think I did! This is utterly non-conception related... but its "Fuck! What happened to my sanity?" related! So, there!

Tuesday... Oh, Tuesday! I believe that was the day that I was chasing around my blood test results (the ones that were already in)... but my husband's car also just decided to turn off at a stop light. Earlier, the battery light came on. So, we went immediately and had the battery and alternator checked. We got the "OK" on them... but were told it was likely a loose connection... "Don't worry about it! It should be fine!," says the car guy! Of course, he could have said that there was something wrong and sold us expensive car parts... So, not sure why he went with "Don't worry about it!" But, we take his word. Then about 3 hours later, the stereo clock turns off. Uh oh! I know what that means! Then, the dash lights start to dim! Aww, shit! Then some stuttering while idling... not that I didn't already know what was going to happen! It was a matter of WHERE it would happen! Of course, it happens AT A STOPLIGHT in a not-so-great area! Awesome! I had enough juice to put the hazards on and crack the windows! Its hot here! I call my husband sobbing! He tells me quite accurately that he can't do anything because he's at work! I know that, but its not what I wanted to hear! He says to call a tow truck. I tell him to call the tow truck whilst I try and find someone to get me out of the hell hole I'm stuck in! I call one of my besties, Justin! He's was only about 2 miles away, luckily! I felt awful though, because he doesn't usually see me cry! But, this was different! Plus, I hadn't ever told him about the pregnancy that I'm losing... and I was obviously still upset about that before the car thing. So, I had to tell him why I was so upset. Of course, he asks if I'm sure there's no hope, and I explained that there wasn't any question. He put his arm around me, and I cried on his shoulder while we waited for the tow. He's awesome! (He's also very gay, in case anyone wonders why my husband let's me cry in the arms of another man!)

Anyway, we have to figure out what's wrong with my husband's car (that we hate)! My car needs a wheel bearing replaced, and the shop we went to last time has jacked up their labor costs in a ridiculous way! Last time, the replacement with labor was $160. This time, they're asking $250... and the part didn't change prices... only labor! Why in the hell would I pay them an extra $90 to do the same exact thing? They asked what our labor was charged at last time when Kevin spoke with them, but he didn't know at the time. So, we've found the receipt, and he's going to call to discuss it in the morning. Hopefully they'll make some concession about the fact that its the same job on the same car... so the cost should be similar, if not the same!

Conception-wise, I have nothing to discuss! I can't do anything yet. That's also VERY frustrating! Feeling helpless is not something I'm good at! I like to be in control... and this is very out of control for me right now. I just want to do something... even if its wrong! But, I can't!

Anyway, I need to try to remember to temp in the morning! That's on the list of "important things" for me! Its hard to get back in the swing of it now that its been so long! But, I'm hoping to see the progesterone come back out of my system... I don't like the witch to catch me off guard!

Tomorrow is going to be spent with Justin again... Tuesday, not sure... Wednesday is a girl's day with my friend, Tierney! We're going to see "Letters to Juliet"... lots of tears, I imagine! Even the preview makes me cry! So, I can imagine the movie with be embarrassing sobbing like in "Time Traveler's Wife" and "Bucket List." I should remember to take tissues with me!

I guess I'm over and out for the night. That's enough boo-hoo'ing for me this time!

Hey! Maybe this won't be such a pity-fest one day! I could be happy at some point in the future... maybe!

~Megg

Wait, Wait, Wait!

Can I have my blood test results back now? That would be great! I've paid my dues, with the bruises to prove it! And, those are a week old already! You should have seen them last Friday!

Don't mind the kitty! He's just hanging out... Sleeping in true kitty form! No worries about him!

As for the urine collection... I ended up at 2600ml or ~88 fl oz! I should know something by Tuesday... hopefully!

I think its absolutely dreadful the way we wish our lives away! But, onward I go... wishing my life away anyway!

I took my last pill today, and my bleed should start in 2-5 days! So, of course, I'm wishing those days away to get things started. Then, I'll be wishing the first 2 days away so I can go get my CD3 tests. Then, I'll be wishing away another 13 days until ovulation! Then, I'll be wishing away the 2 week wait! What a load of crap! Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish!!!

Anyway, that's me waiting... and waiting... and waiting! I hate how long bloods take to come back!

I started temping again today too! I want to watch the witch fly in! No unexpected unpleasantness for me! Should see a drop to 97.6 and then 97.2 when she's coming! Any of you waiting to test or with a new BFP, please send your witch my way... I need her! She's welcome here!

Watching "Up!"... How depressing can one movie be? Especially for a children's movie! Jeez!

I love the snipe though... Love even more that its named "Kevin" and its a girl! LOL

I guess that's the bright spot in my post! :)

♥ Meggles

A Post About Pee!

Very quick update before bed! The picture of the jug... My output is now to the top of that bottom sticker. I'm officially at 2000ml, which is the high end of normal for a 24 hour period. I still have about 8.5 hours left to collect, so who knows where I'll end up! 2500ml is officially considered "too much"... I can't imagine that I won't make it 2500ml though. In fact, if I keep going at this rate, I'll run out of room in the jug! :( I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do if that happens! Hopefully it won't! I'm guessing I'll have a drastic slow down now that I'll be asleep and not taking fluids in. But, still... I'm easily going AT LEAST 150ml each time I pee... and those are on the "small" trips. I've had a couple of times that I've nearly filled both 180ml cups and then had to empty one into the container to finish going! There's no way that this is normal. I've barely had more than 2000ml of fluid today. I can't wait to get these results back and see what's what! I'm astonished at what I'm seeing! I knew I went a lot, but I had no idea how much "a lot" really was!

So, that's me... Off the loo for one final wee before bed! I'm waking up at 7:15am to go, because I'm concerned about the amount I'd be dealing with if I wait until my actual wake up time! And, then I'll have one final go at about 11am! Then off to return the container of urine and have some more needles stuck in to me!

Urine In My Refrigerator!

Yep! That's it! A big freakin' jug of urine that lives in my refrigerator! Exciting stuff, yeah? I know I was pretty stoked to hear that I would have bodily fluids sitting around where I keep my food! :(

I worry a bit about my urine volume already. Apparently 800 to 2000 milliliters per day is normal. I started my collection at 11am... well, sort of. At 11am, I discarded my FMU (as required) and I've collected everything since then. Its not 5pm and I'm already at about 500 milliliters. I have a lot of my 24 hours left to already be 1/4 of the way to the 2000 mark.

Amongst the many, many tests I'm having done... I have to do a 24 hour urine collection. Good times! The bright side? I have a doctor who believes in tests now! YAY!

To get to some of what's been tested already... She ran a full thyroid panel. The portions that have come back already were all very, very normal. There is at least one thyroid test that is still out, and she warned me that it could take up to 2 weeks (from last Friday) to get the result. Actually, almost everything looked normal... ALMOST!

My Vitamin D level was at 18 ng/mL. It showed that as "low"... but it listed the reference range as 20-100 ng/mL. So, I didn't think much of it at first glance. Then I read the paragraph below it that said <20>30 ng/mL is sufficient. Further research online showed that OPTIMAL levels are 50-70 ng/mL! Soooo, I'm WAY off from "optimal," and I'm now on a high dose supplement of it. My reading suggests that we can easily process up to 10,000 IU of it each day, so I bought 5,000 IU supplements to try and get the deficiency up to an optimal level as quickly as possible. There are many, many ugly things that the deficiency can do. So, I'm hopeful that this is part of my problem.

I plan to go to my GP with a loooooong list of blood tests that I want run. I'm sick of this crap hand that I've been dealt! I'm getting most of them done on CD3 so I don't have to go in more times than absolutely necessary!

Here's the list:

FBC - including ESR

Iron, Ferritin, B12, B6

TSH

FSH, LH, E2

lgE, lgA

Antinuclear antibodies

Cardiolipin antibodies

Lupus anticoagulant

Thrombophilia studies

Prolactin

Progesterone

T3, T4

Total Testosterone

Free Testosterone

DHEAS

Androstenedione

SHBG

Fasting Insulin

MTHFR

Then, I'll definitely be going back for 7dpo Progesterone testing! I'm not so certain that it's not still low.

Hoping I can get all of this figured out sooner than later, because its the first step in actually conceiving a HEALTHY pregnancy! I'll be reporting my results as they come in... at least the interesting ones! I'll save you the boredom of reading through the "normal" results!

I hope this post finds everyone well! I've really missed blogging here... but I just hadn't worked up the nerve to do it yet. I hope some of you are still reading!

♥ Megg

Back to Conception!

Its late, and I don't have the energy to talk much about it yet... but I found out on May 7 during my first midwife appointment that I had blighted ovum. Apparently, that was the more accurate term for what I had back in December as well. Its all semantics really... I guess it doesn't matter what its called. From what the midwife said, a missed miscarriage is when there is a visible beginning of the embryo in the sac but growth stopped and there is no heartbeat. A blighted ovum is basically the same thing, only it is when growth stops prior to a visible beginning of the embryo in the sac. Well, I had the sac, but no embryo. Honestly... What difference does it possibly make? It sucks, no matter what you call it!

I've started a prescription to bring on the bleed... again. I've had so much blood taken out of me in the last week, I can't be sure that I have any left. At least I'm being tested for a variety of things now. I don't have the time or the energy to type them all out just yet... But, I'm sure I'll get around to it soon.

Last time this happened... I took it very well. This time... Not so much! I feel like my heart has been shattered into a million little pieces. So, I'm trying to find all those pieces, dust them off, glue them back together, and find the will to try again.

Maybe my tests will give me answers... hope... peace. I only have a tiny sliver of hope so far. I'm Vitamin D deficient. There can be bad things related to that... I'm hoping its a big part of the problem. I guess I'll know more soon though.

I really, really wanted to be able to update this last Friday with a gorgeous U/S pic of happy, bouncing baby... but instead, I have to post this.

I feel like everyone I know is let down by me. I had to tell my entire family that I was a 2nd time loser. I could hear the pain in their voices... but they tried to be strong for me! And, I found out 2 days before Mother's Day! What a crock of shit is that? Timing couldn't have been worse if I'd tried. *cry*

Anyway... I'm off to bed. I guess there will be charts to stalk and all that fun stuff on here soon.

♥ Megg