A Rant...

Just because someone doesn't understand WHY I feel the way I feel, doesn't mean that I shouldn't feel that way. This will make more sense shortly... I promise!

So, I have a good friend who I love dearly! He's generally an AMAZING person! He's one of the best friends I've had the honor of knowing, and he loves me to pieces. I need to put that out there... because he DOES mean well. He just doesn't always know what is okay to say and what isn't okay to say!

Yesterday was 6 months since my first loss... and I'm not dealing with it well... at all! He invited me and Kevin over, but I warned him that I was VERY down. He said not to worry about it and come over anyway. So, we went. Now, I tend to crack a few jokes at my own expense to lighten the topic of my shitty luck. But, I do it when I'm in the mood to handle it.

That being said, he asked me why I was down. I explained that it was 6 months since my first loss, Sunday will be 1 month since my 2nd loss, and June 27th is my first due date. So, I'm just not coping well. Its making me extremely depressed at the moment. This is where it all starts to go a bit wrong!

He begins by telling me that he doesn't understand why I want a baby so much anyway. I know he doesn't understand. He doesn't like children... at all. He doesn't know why anyone wants them. I accept that! I don't expect him to understand why.

Then, he continues to ask me if I can be certain that I won't regret having one after the fact. Like, "What if you decide after you've had a baby that it was the wrong decision and you don't want to be a mother after all?" Well, I tried to explain that I used to not want kids... But, once I got a trial run at motherhood with my ex-husband's son, it was 1000 times more rewarding than I could have ever expected, and I was VERY happy with being a mother! We're still doing okay at this point... mostly.

As the evening (err... morning) continued, he got more and more worried about my mental state. He didn't want to leave me by myself. So, he vowed to stay up with me and talk it out. I think this was the major error really.

I dropped my husband off to go to sleep so he could work in the morning, and my friend and I went for a drive. He starts telling me that I'm not putting enough thought into whether or not it could be my husband's fault... basically, male-factor... but without knowing the term for it. I explain that male-factor usually makes it difficult to get pregnant, not to stay pregnant. That there is a slight chance, but its not likely.

Then, I add that my ex-husband has a tendency to get women pregnant by looking at them, and we never so much as had a "scare" in 5 years. That's when he comes out with... "So, in reality, its probable that you won't ever have children." *shakes head in a shocked manner* WHAT?!

I freaked... while I was driving! He notices and says, "No, I mean... You'll have children... But you probably won't ever get pregnant!" Oh... That's MUCH better? I said... "Uhm... Getting pregnant is sort of how having children works, ya know?" Did I mention that he's gay? Because he is... and thinking of girls having "girl parts" kind of freaks him out... I feel its important to mention that!

Anyway... He tried to back peddle... because I'm CRYING while driving! He eventually says that he just meant it might not happen without some sort of treatment... IVF or something. That is somewhat acceptable... I guess. But, only sort of.

Did I mention that he was questioning me earlier in the night about why I don't just adopt? Because, that came up! I tried to explain that its not so easy.

But, its seriously done my head in. No one has ever told me that its probable that I will never have children or probably won't get pregnant! That's... awful. And, I honestly don't believe that he knew it was awful. But, it doesn't hurt any less, now does it?

Anyway... I took my first Provera pill yesterday... I should be bleeding by June 24. So, I'll still be bleeding on my first due date. That's about as depressing as possible! But, its a necessary evil... I suppose!

I can't honestly say that I'm not more pessimistic than ever right now. Hearing those words... even if they weren't necessarily true... THEY FUCKING HURT! And, to hear them from someone I love... That's the hard part. I feel enough like he might be right when he's NOT saying it.... But, hearing it just made it 1,000,000 times more awful!

I guess that's all for tonight... Enough whining from me!

Any psychics reading? Anyone who can tell me that he's wrong with 100% accuracy? Anyone who tells me that I'll have a baby of my own VERY SOON... because they KNOW rather than because its the nice thing to say? I'll take just about anything right now. I'm desperate!

Truly Heartbroken,

Megg ♥

FAIL!

So, my ovaries failed me... as suspected! I said in my last post that I didn't feel like I'd ovulated, and I hadn't! My progesterone level came back as 0.6. That's as clear as the "You didn't ovulate!" message gets! I marked all my fever temps as such, and my crosshairs are gone. I guess its for the best since I deserve them.

This is just how I felt after my December "cycle"... But, I hoped that it was just coincidence. Now, I'm seeing a pattern. I obviously don't ovulate right after a loss. Weird that some women get to be more fertile, but I just fail miserably instead. Rubbish!

On the bright side, I still had refills of my Provera. So, I called one in and can pick it up anytime after noon today. That's a plus. I'm just going to cut and run. I refuse to wait around this time like I did after December. I gave in on CD58 back then. I don't intend to wait another 2 months! I'm not getting any younger. It just blows that I'll have to wait about 10 days to bleed, and then another 16 to ovulate. So, almost a month!

I just want another chance at my progesterone test before I get passed along to a fertility specialist. I don't need all of that if its just progesterone!

Of course, this worries me that I'm somehow never going to ovulate again or something... or that I never actually do! But, I know how stupid that is! I could feel a HUGE difference between this month and the months when I do ovulate! So, I'm trying to put it out of my mind.

I guess that's all for tonight... err... today! Its almost 6am. I guess I should sleep! :(

G'night! ♥

Just Another Day...

There aren't words to express how sick I am of swallowing those every day! And, I feel like I have NOTHING to show for it! I can't even fathom that its remotely healthy to take so many pills on a daily basis... but its the doctors who insist! Honestly, I don't know why I take some of them. The Zinc, Chromium, Selenium, and B Complex are recent editions. My thyroid looks good, but those will help to keep it balanced in the future. Okay... but I wasn't taking those when it looked good to begin with! So, necessary? I can't imagine how it could be! The selenium... It smells just like URINE! And, it tastes like it smells. So, in a round about way, I feel as if I might know what pee tastes like! AWESOME! :(

I don't necessarily feel as if I've ovulated, but Fertility Friend seems to insist that I have. And, it seems to believe that I ovulated when the moon was in precisely the same phase as it was the night I was born. It was 2 days prior to waning crescent in both scenarios. Of course, I find lunar fertility interesting... So, that fascinates me!

I wasn't able to get my progesterone results today. They hadn't come back yet when I called. So, I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about them though, to be honest.

I received a call this afternoon saying that my wardrobe and dresser that were supposed to come in at the end of August are actually in right now! So, I have 90 days to pay it off and pick it up. Paying it off is... whatever! I only owe about $300, and they wouldn't let me pay for it until it came in. It just wasn't an option! Weird, but whatever! However, this means that I'll baby furniture in my home by September 8. That's a bit nerve-wracking! I don't even know that I'll be pregnant by then, let alone knowing if I'll be in a HEALTHY pregnancy by then! I guess I have a shot at it... but no guarantees!

Honestly, this is the first time I haven't symptom spotted at all. I can't even be bothered to think about it. I was only just informed yesterday that its not really an impossibility! Still, I'm pretty sure it is, and I don't know why. Not expecting to be pregnant at the end of this "cycle" isn't really accurate... I expect not to be pregnant! I don't know how to articulate the difference there. I guess not expecting to be pregnant would be the frame of mind that it would be a nice surprise, but it probably won't happen. I'm more in the frame of mind that it won't happen, and I would be absolutely shocked and probably not believe it if it did! Oddly, I'm not even being pessimistic... I'm not really feeling down... I'm just convinced! LOL

I guess that's all I know for now... not that I knew much of anything! Just waiting to see what happens.

Until next time!

~Megg ♥

How Long Have I Been Gone?

Its been almost a month! What rubbish! I'm awful at this, I think! :(

Its been a very busy month, to be honest. Lots of blood tests, lots of waiting, lots of results, lots of confusion... Just lots of everything!

I posted that list of tests I wanted run... and I've had nearly all of them. In fact, I can't be sure that we missed any, as the names we call the test can differ from the name that comes back on the lab sheet. Anyway... I've been pretty well given an overall "normal" set of results. Frustrating but also reassuring. Some of those things are not things I want to deal with. So, I can't complain about that, I suppose!

There is only one test to go... PROGESTERONE! I go in for that Thursday morning. Honestly, I don't know if I'll be 7dpo on Thursday or not. This has been the most confusing, unfortunate month in a long while. My chart says I'm 7dpo today... but I'm sure that's not true! I had a fever (to go along with my overall feeling of "Please, just let me die!") for several days, and there are some temps almost randomly adjusted for the fever... because it was at the worst time possible! So, I basically just knocked my fever temps down by .5 degrees across the board! Is that right? I don't know! I felt some ovary pain very late at night on CD15. I can only imagine that's when O was. But, the pains still come and go. So, that makes me wonder!

I'm worried. I'm worried that I'm getting tested on the wrong day. I'm worried that I didn't actually ovulate to begin with. I want to fail this test, because I want an answer. But I also worry that I will fail it too badly, if that makes sense. I also worry that I WON'T fail it at all... and I'll still be "normal."

To be even 6dpo, I have to say that I'm not symptom spotting at all. Honestly, I don't expect to even have a chance of being pregnant at the end of this "cycle." Why? I don't know! I should have just as good of a chance this time as any. But, I don't feel like I do. I'm not even going to be upset when I'm not pregnant this time. I know I'm not going to be. It just seems like an impossibility.

Next step (after this last test) is to get me into a new fertility specialist. My GP has done all she can do. She is limited by not being a "specialist" of any sort. So, who knows how that will go. I'm nervous. I expect them to tell me to take a year off and lose weight first. But nothing that gets screwed up with excess weight seems to be screwed up on me. I agree that I need to lose weight... obviously! But, I refuse to put TTC on hold to do it! I just worry that they will refuse to help me until I do. The only card I have to pull is the insurance card... "If you won't take my insurance company's money because of my weight, I'll just find someone who will!" Of course, that's easier said than done... but doctors do love money! So, I can only hope!

I guess I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say. Some days, I'm really, really down. Others, I'm doing fine. Some days, I feel like it will never, ever happen. Other days, I know it will happen sooner than later. My head is a pretty crazy place right now. Getting bad results on the progesterone test and being put on supplements would make me 1000 times more hopeful, I think.

I'm just scared. There are so many people in my life who now know that we're trying... and I know they expect me to succeed. I just worry that I won't. It was bad enough to envision me letting myself and my husband down... but to let down the rest of the people I love too? Its too much. I guess that's all I have for now. I don't really expect that anyone is still reading this anyway.

G'night to any readers left!

Megg, over and out!