Its been a very busy month, to be honest. Lots of blood tests, lots of waiting, lots of results, lots of confusion... Just lots of everything!
I posted that list of tests I wanted run... and I've had nearly all of them. In fact, I can't be sure that we missed any, as the names we call the test can differ from the name that comes back on the lab sheet. Anyway... I've been pretty well given an overall "normal" set of results. Frustrating but also reassuring. Some of those things are not things I want to deal with. So, I can't complain about that, I suppose!
There is only one test to go... PROGESTERONE! I go in for that Thursday morning. Honestly, I don't know if I'll be 7dpo on Thursday or not. This has been the most confusing, unfortunate month in a long while. My chart says I'm 7dpo today... but I'm sure that's not true! I had a fever (to go along with my overall feeling of "Please, just let me die!") for several days, and there are some temps almost randomly adjusted for the fever... because it was at the worst time possible! So, I basically just knocked my fever temps down by .5 degrees across the board! Is that right? I don't know! I felt some ovary pain very late at night on CD15. I can only imagine that's when O was. But, the pains still come and go. So, that makes me wonder!
I'm worried. I'm worried that I'm getting tested on the wrong day. I'm worried that I didn't actually ovulate to begin with. I want to fail this test, because I want an answer. But I also worry that I will fail it too badly, if that makes sense. I also worry that I WON'T fail it at all... and I'll still be "normal."
To be even 6dpo, I have to say that I'm not symptom spotting at all. Honestly, I don't expect to even have a chance of being pregnant at the end of this "cycle." Why? I don't know! I should have just as good of a chance this time as any. But, I don't feel like I do. I'm not even going to be upset when I'm not pregnant this time. I know I'm not going to be. It just seems like an impossibility.
Next step (after this last test) is to get me into a new fertility specialist. My GP has done all she can do. She is limited by not being a "specialist" of any sort. So, who knows how that will go. I'm nervous. I expect them to tell me to take a year off and lose weight first. But nothing that gets screwed up with excess weight seems to be screwed up on me. I agree that I need to lose weight... obviously! But, I refuse to put TTC on hold to do it! I just worry that they will refuse to help me until I do. The only card I have to pull is the insurance card... "If you won't take my insurance company's money because of my weight, I'll just find someone who will!" Of course, that's easier said than done... but doctors do love money! So, I can only hope!
I guess I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say. Some days, I'm really, really down. Others, I'm doing fine. Some days, I feel like it will never, ever happen. Other days, I know it will happen sooner than later. My head is a pretty crazy place right now. Getting bad results on the progesterone test and being put on supplements would make me 1000 times more hopeful, I think.
I'm just scared. There are so many people in my life who now know that we're trying... and I know they expect me to succeed. I just worry that I won't. It was bad enough to envision me letting myself and my husband down... but to let down the rest of the people I love too? Its too much. I guess that's all I have for now. I don't really expect that anyone is still reading this anyway.
G'night to any readers left!
Megg, over and out!
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