A Rant...

Just because someone doesn't understand WHY I feel the way I feel, doesn't mean that I shouldn't feel that way. This will make more sense shortly... I promise!

So, I have a good friend who I love dearly! He's generally an AMAZING person! He's one of the best friends I've had the honor of knowing, and he loves me to pieces. I need to put that out there... because he DOES mean well. He just doesn't always know what is okay to say and what isn't okay to say!

Yesterday was 6 months since my first loss... and I'm not dealing with it well... at all! He invited me and Kevin over, but I warned him that I was VERY down. He said not to worry about it and come over anyway. So, we went. Now, I tend to crack a few jokes at my own expense to lighten the topic of my shitty luck. But, I do it when I'm in the mood to handle it.

That being said, he asked me why I was down. I explained that it was 6 months since my first loss, Sunday will be 1 month since my 2nd loss, and June 27th is my first due date. So, I'm just not coping well. Its making me extremely depressed at the moment. This is where it all starts to go a bit wrong!

He begins by telling me that he doesn't understand why I want a baby so much anyway. I know he doesn't understand. He doesn't like children... at all. He doesn't know why anyone wants them. I accept that! I don't expect him to understand why.

Then, he continues to ask me if I can be certain that I won't regret having one after the fact. Like, "What if you decide after you've had a baby that it was the wrong decision and you don't want to be a mother after all?" Well, I tried to explain that I used to not want kids... But, once I got a trial run at motherhood with my ex-husband's son, it was 1000 times more rewarding than I could have ever expected, and I was VERY happy with being a mother! We're still doing okay at this point... mostly.

As the evening (err... morning) continued, he got more and more worried about my mental state. He didn't want to leave me by myself. So, he vowed to stay up with me and talk it out. I think this was the major error really.

I dropped my husband off to go to sleep so he could work in the morning, and my friend and I went for a drive. He starts telling me that I'm not putting enough thought into whether or not it could be my husband's fault... basically, male-factor... but without knowing the term for it. I explain that male-factor usually makes it difficult to get pregnant, not to stay pregnant. That there is a slight chance, but its not likely.

Then, I add that my ex-husband has a tendency to get women pregnant by looking at them, and we never so much as had a "scare" in 5 years. That's when he comes out with... "So, in reality, its probable that you won't ever have children." *shakes head in a shocked manner* WHAT?!

I freaked... while I was driving! He notices and says, "No, I mean... You'll have children... But you probably won't ever get pregnant!" Oh... That's MUCH better? I said... "Uhm... Getting pregnant is sort of how having children works, ya know?" Did I mention that he's gay? Because he is... and thinking of girls having "girl parts" kind of freaks him out... I feel its important to mention that!

Anyway... He tried to back peddle... because I'm CRYING while driving! He eventually says that he just meant it might not happen without some sort of treatment... IVF or something. That is somewhat acceptable... I guess. But, only sort of.

Did I mention that he was questioning me earlier in the night about why I don't just adopt? Because, that came up! I tried to explain that its not so easy.

But, its seriously done my head in. No one has ever told me that its probable that I will never have children or probably won't get pregnant! That's... awful. And, I honestly don't believe that he knew it was awful. But, it doesn't hurt any less, now does it?

Anyway... I took my first Provera pill yesterday... I should be bleeding by June 24. So, I'll still be bleeding on my first due date. That's about as depressing as possible! But, its a necessary evil... I suppose!

I can't honestly say that I'm not more pessimistic than ever right now. Hearing those words... even if they weren't necessarily true... THEY FUCKING HURT! And, to hear them from someone I love... That's the hard part. I feel enough like he might be right when he's NOT saying it.... But, hearing it just made it 1,000,000 times more awful!

I guess that's all for tonight... Enough whining from me!

Any psychics reading? Anyone who can tell me that he's wrong with 100% accuracy? Anyone who tells me that I'll have a baby of my own VERY SOON... because they KNOW rather than because its the nice thing to say? I'll take just about anything right now. I'm desperate!

Truly Heartbroken,

Megg ♥