A Rant...

Just because someone doesn't understand WHY I feel the way I feel, doesn't mean that I shouldn't feel that way. This will make more sense shortly... I promise!

So, I have a good friend who I love dearly! He's generally an AMAZING person! He's one of the best friends I've had the honor of knowing, and he loves me to pieces. I need to put that out there... because he DOES mean well. He just doesn't always know what is okay to say and what isn't okay to say!

Yesterday was 6 months since my first loss... and I'm not dealing with it well... at all! He invited me and Kevin over, but I warned him that I was VERY down. He said not to worry about it and come over anyway. So, we went. Now, I tend to crack a few jokes at my own expense to lighten the topic of my shitty luck. But, I do it when I'm in the mood to handle it.

That being said, he asked me why I was down. I explained that it was 6 months since my first loss, Sunday will be 1 month since my 2nd loss, and June 27th is my first due date. So, I'm just not coping well. Its making me extremely depressed at the moment. This is where it all starts to go a bit wrong!

He begins by telling me that he doesn't understand why I want a baby so much anyway. I know he doesn't understand. He doesn't like children... at all. He doesn't know why anyone wants them. I accept that! I don't expect him to understand why.

Then, he continues to ask me if I can be certain that I won't regret having one after the fact. Like, "What if you decide after you've had a baby that it was the wrong decision and you don't want to be a mother after all?" Well, I tried to explain that I used to not want kids... But, once I got a trial run at motherhood with my ex-husband's son, it was 1000 times more rewarding than I could have ever expected, and I was VERY happy with being a mother! We're still doing okay at this point... mostly.

As the evening (err... morning) continued, he got more and more worried about my mental state. He didn't want to leave me by myself. So, he vowed to stay up with me and talk it out. I think this was the major error really.

I dropped my husband off to go to sleep so he could work in the morning, and my friend and I went for a drive. He starts telling me that I'm not putting enough thought into whether or not it could be my husband's fault... basically, male-factor... but without knowing the term for it. I explain that male-factor usually makes it difficult to get pregnant, not to stay pregnant. That there is a slight chance, but its not likely.

Then, I add that my ex-husband has a tendency to get women pregnant by looking at them, and we never so much as had a "scare" in 5 years. That's when he comes out with... "So, in reality, its probable that you won't ever have children." *shakes head in a shocked manner* WHAT?!

I freaked... while I was driving! He notices and says, "No, I mean... You'll have children... But you probably won't ever get pregnant!" Oh... That's MUCH better? I said... "Uhm... Getting pregnant is sort of how having children works, ya know?" Did I mention that he's gay? Because he is... and thinking of girls having "girl parts" kind of freaks him out... I feel its important to mention that!

Anyway... He tried to back peddle... because I'm CRYING while driving! He eventually says that he just meant it might not happen without some sort of treatment... IVF or something. That is somewhat acceptable... I guess. But, only sort of.

Did I mention that he was questioning me earlier in the night about why I don't just adopt? Because, that came up! I tried to explain that its not so easy.

But, its seriously done my head in. No one has ever told me that its probable that I will never have children or probably won't get pregnant! That's... awful. And, I honestly don't believe that he knew it was awful. But, it doesn't hurt any less, now does it?

Anyway... I took my first Provera pill yesterday... I should be bleeding by June 24. So, I'll still be bleeding on my first due date. That's about as depressing as possible! But, its a necessary evil... I suppose!

I can't honestly say that I'm not more pessimistic than ever right now. Hearing those words... even if they weren't necessarily true... THEY FUCKING HURT! And, to hear them from someone I love... That's the hard part. I feel enough like he might be right when he's NOT saying it.... But, hearing it just made it 1,000,000 times more awful!

I guess that's all for tonight... Enough whining from me!

Any psychics reading? Anyone who can tell me that he's wrong with 100% accuracy? Anyone who tells me that I'll have a baby of my own VERY SOON... because they KNOW rather than because its the nice thing to say? I'll take just about anything right now. I'm desperate!

Truly Heartbroken,

Megg ♥

FAIL!

So, my ovaries failed me... as suspected! I said in my last post that I didn't feel like I'd ovulated, and I hadn't! My progesterone level came back as 0.6. That's as clear as the "You didn't ovulate!" message gets! I marked all my fever temps as such, and my crosshairs are gone. I guess its for the best since I deserve them.

This is just how I felt after my December "cycle"... But, I hoped that it was just coincidence. Now, I'm seeing a pattern. I obviously don't ovulate right after a loss. Weird that some women get to be more fertile, but I just fail miserably instead. Rubbish!

On the bright side, I still had refills of my Provera. So, I called one in and can pick it up anytime after noon today. That's a plus. I'm just going to cut and run. I refuse to wait around this time like I did after December. I gave in on CD58 back then. I don't intend to wait another 2 months! I'm not getting any younger. It just blows that I'll have to wait about 10 days to bleed, and then another 16 to ovulate. So, almost a month!

I just want another chance at my progesterone test before I get passed along to a fertility specialist. I don't need all of that if its just progesterone!

Of course, this worries me that I'm somehow never going to ovulate again or something... or that I never actually do! But, I know how stupid that is! I could feel a HUGE difference between this month and the months when I do ovulate! So, I'm trying to put it out of my mind.

I guess that's all for tonight... err... today! Its almost 6am. I guess I should sleep! :(

G'night! ♥

Just Another Day...

There aren't words to express how sick I am of swallowing those every day! And, I feel like I have NOTHING to show for it! I can't even fathom that its remotely healthy to take so many pills on a daily basis... but its the doctors who insist! Honestly, I don't know why I take some of them. The Zinc, Chromium, Selenium, and B Complex are recent editions. My thyroid looks good, but those will help to keep it balanced in the future. Okay... but I wasn't taking those when it looked good to begin with! So, necessary? I can't imagine how it could be! The selenium... It smells just like URINE! And, it tastes like it smells. So, in a round about way, I feel as if I might know what pee tastes like! AWESOME! :(

I don't necessarily feel as if I've ovulated, but Fertility Friend seems to insist that I have. And, it seems to believe that I ovulated when the moon was in precisely the same phase as it was the night I was born. It was 2 days prior to waning crescent in both scenarios. Of course, I find lunar fertility interesting... So, that fascinates me!

I wasn't able to get my progesterone results today. They hadn't come back yet when I called. So, I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about them though, to be honest.

I received a call this afternoon saying that my wardrobe and dresser that were supposed to come in at the end of August are actually in right now! So, I have 90 days to pay it off and pick it up. Paying it off is... whatever! I only owe about $300, and they wouldn't let me pay for it until it came in. It just wasn't an option! Weird, but whatever! However, this means that I'll baby furniture in my home by September 8. That's a bit nerve-wracking! I don't even know that I'll be pregnant by then, let alone knowing if I'll be in a HEALTHY pregnancy by then! I guess I have a shot at it... but no guarantees!

Honestly, this is the first time I haven't symptom spotted at all. I can't even be bothered to think about it. I was only just informed yesterday that its not really an impossibility! Still, I'm pretty sure it is, and I don't know why. Not expecting to be pregnant at the end of this "cycle" isn't really accurate... I expect not to be pregnant! I don't know how to articulate the difference there. I guess not expecting to be pregnant would be the frame of mind that it would be a nice surprise, but it probably won't happen. I'm more in the frame of mind that it won't happen, and I would be absolutely shocked and probably not believe it if it did! Oddly, I'm not even being pessimistic... I'm not really feeling down... I'm just convinced! LOL

I guess that's all I know for now... not that I knew much of anything! Just waiting to see what happens.

Until next time!

~Megg ♥

How Long Have I Been Gone?

Its been almost a month! What rubbish! I'm awful at this, I think! :(

Its been a very busy month, to be honest. Lots of blood tests, lots of waiting, lots of results, lots of confusion... Just lots of everything!

I posted that list of tests I wanted run... and I've had nearly all of them. In fact, I can't be sure that we missed any, as the names we call the test can differ from the name that comes back on the lab sheet. Anyway... I've been pretty well given an overall "normal" set of results. Frustrating but also reassuring. Some of those things are not things I want to deal with. So, I can't complain about that, I suppose!

There is only one test to go... PROGESTERONE! I go in for that Thursday morning. Honestly, I don't know if I'll be 7dpo on Thursday or not. This has been the most confusing, unfortunate month in a long while. My chart says I'm 7dpo today... but I'm sure that's not true! I had a fever (to go along with my overall feeling of "Please, just let me die!") for several days, and there are some temps almost randomly adjusted for the fever... because it was at the worst time possible! So, I basically just knocked my fever temps down by .5 degrees across the board! Is that right? I don't know! I felt some ovary pain very late at night on CD15. I can only imagine that's when O was. But, the pains still come and go. So, that makes me wonder!

I'm worried. I'm worried that I'm getting tested on the wrong day. I'm worried that I didn't actually ovulate to begin with. I want to fail this test, because I want an answer. But I also worry that I will fail it too badly, if that makes sense. I also worry that I WON'T fail it at all... and I'll still be "normal."

To be even 6dpo, I have to say that I'm not symptom spotting at all. Honestly, I don't expect to even have a chance of being pregnant at the end of this "cycle." Why? I don't know! I should have just as good of a chance this time as any. But, I don't feel like I do. I'm not even going to be upset when I'm not pregnant this time. I know I'm not going to be. It just seems like an impossibility.

Next step (after this last test) is to get me into a new fertility specialist. My GP has done all she can do. She is limited by not being a "specialist" of any sort. So, who knows how that will go. I'm nervous. I expect them to tell me to take a year off and lose weight first. But nothing that gets screwed up with excess weight seems to be screwed up on me. I agree that I need to lose weight... obviously! But, I refuse to put TTC on hold to do it! I just worry that they will refuse to help me until I do. The only card I have to pull is the insurance card... "If you won't take my insurance company's money because of my weight, I'll just find someone who will!" Of course, that's easier said than done... but doctors do love money! So, I can only hope!

I guess I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say. Some days, I'm really, really down. Others, I'm doing fine. Some days, I feel like it will never, ever happen. Other days, I know it will happen sooner than later. My head is a pretty crazy place right now. Getting bad results on the progesterone test and being put on supplements would make me 1000 times more hopeful, I think.

I'm just scared. There are so many people in my life who now know that we're trying... and I know they expect me to succeed. I just worry that I won't. It was bad enough to envision me letting myself and my husband down... but to let down the rest of the people I love too? Its too much. I guess that's all I have for now. I don't really expect that anyone is still reading this anyway.

G'night to any readers left!

Megg, over and out!

Bad Night...

No particular reason, I guess. Just feeling especially sorry for myself this evening. I was doing well most of the weekend, though. So, I guess an off night is okay. Its just... As much I want to get on with the bleeding... That's really "it," if you know what I mean? Granted, I've gotten quite used to the idea that its all happened again. I really, really have. I'm not even shocked. I was the only one consistently saying that I thought something wasn't right... I had a bad feeling! But, everyone insisted that it was different this time! *buzzer sound* Wrong-O!

I don't know what I'm even saying anymore! Great! Just a really depressing night... following a really depressing week!

Did I have my whine about Tuesday? I don't recall! I don't think I did! This is utterly non-conception related... but its "Fuck! What happened to my sanity?" related! So, there!

Tuesday... Oh, Tuesday! I believe that was the day that I was chasing around my blood test results (the ones that were already in)... but my husband's car also just decided to turn off at a stop light. Earlier, the battery light came on. So, we went immediately and had the battery and alternator checked. We got the "OK" on them... but were told it was likely a loose connection... "Don't worry about it! It should be fine!," says the car guy! Of course, he could have said that there was something wrong and sold us expensive car parts... So, not sure why he went with "Don't worry about it!" But, we take his word. Then about 3 hours later, the stereo clock turns off. Uh oh! I know what that means! Then, the dash lights start to dim! Aww, shit! Then some stuttering while idling... not that I didn't already know what was going to happen! It was a matter of WHERE it would happen! Of course, it happens AT A STOPLIGHT in a not-so-great area! Awesome! I had enough juice to put the hazards on and crack the windows! Its hot here! I call my husband sobbing! He tells me quite accurately that he can't do anything because he's at work! I know that, but its not what I wanted to hear! He says to call a tow truck. I tell him to call the tow truck whilst I try and find someone to get me out of the hell hole I'm stuck in! I call one of my besties, Justin! He's was only about 2 miles away, luckily! I felt awful though, because he doesn't usually see me cry! But, this was different! Plus, I hadn't ever told him about the pregnancy that I'm losing... and I was obviously still upset about that before the car thing. So, I had to tell him why I was so upset. Of course, he asks if I'm sure there's no hope, and I explained that there wasn't any question. He put his arm around me, and I cried on his shoulder while we waited for the tow. He's awesome! (He's also very gay, in case anyone wonders why my husband let's me cry in the arms of another man!)

Anyway, we have to figure out what's wrong with my husband's car (that we hate)! My car needs a wheel bearing replaced, and the shop we went to last time has jacked up their labor costs in a ridiculous way! Last time, the replacement with labor was $160. This time, they're asking $250... and the part didn't change prices... only labor! Why in the hell would I pay them an extra $90 to do the same exact thing? They asked what our labor was charged at last time when Kevin spoke with them, but he didn't know at the time. So, we've found the receipt, and he's going to call to discuss it in the morning. Hopefully they'll make some concession about the fact that its the same job on the same car... so the cost should be similar, if not the same!

Conception-wise, I have nothing to discuss! I can't do anything yet. That's also VERY frustrating! Feeling helpless is not something I'm good at! I like to be in control... and this is very out of control for me right now. I just want to do something... even if its wrong! But, I can't!

Anyway, I need to try to remember to temp in the morning! That's on the list of "important things" for me! Its hard to get back in the swing of it now that its been so long! But, I'm hoping to see the progesterone come back out of my system... I don't like the witch to catch me off guard!

Tomorrow is going to be spent with Justin again... Tuesday, not sure... Wednesday is a girl's day with my friend, Tierney! We're going to see "Letters to Juliet"... lots of tears, I imagine! Even the preview makes me cry! So, I can imagine the movie with be embarrassing sobbing like in "Time Traveler's Wife" and "Bucket List." I should remember to take tissues with me!

I guess I'm over and out for the night. That's enough boo-hoo'ing for me this time!

Hey! Maybe this won't be such a pity-fest one day! I could be happy at some point in the future... maybe!

~Megg

Wait, Wait, Wait!

Can I have my blood test results back now? That would be great! I've paid my dues, with the bruises to prove it! And, those are a week old already! You should have seen them last Friday!

Don't mind the kitty! He's just hanging out... Sleeping in true kitty form! No worries about him!

As for the urine collection... I ended up at 2600ml or ~88 fl oz! I should know something by Tuesday... hopefully!

I think its absolutely dreadful the way we wish our lives away! But, onward I go... wishing my life away anyway!

I took my last pill today, and my bleed should start in 2-5 days! So, of course, I'm wishing those days away to get things started. Then, I'll be wishing the first 2 days away so I can go get my CD3 tests. Then, I'll be wishing away another 13 days until ovulation! Then, I'll be wishing away the 2 week wait! What a load of crap! Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish!!!

Anyway, that's me waiting... and waiting... and waiting! I hate how long bloods take to come back!

I started temping again today too! I want to watch the witch fly in! No unexpected unpleasantness for me! Should see a drop to 97.6 and then 97.2 when she's coming! Any of you waiting to test or with a new BFP, please send your witch my way... I need her! She's welcome here!

Watching "Up!"... How depressing can one movie be? Especially for a children's movie! Jeez!

I love the snipe though... Love even more that its named "Kevin" and its a girl! LOL

I guess that's the bright spot in my post! :)

♥ Meggles

A Post About Pee!

Very quick update before bed! The picture of the jug... My output is now to the top of that bottom sticker. I'm officially at 2000ml, which is the high end of normal for a 24 hour period. I still have about 8.5 hours left to collect, so who knows where I'll end up! 2500ml is officially considered "too much"... I can't imagine that I won't make it 2500ml though. In fact, if I keep going at this rate, I'll run out of room in the jug! :( I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do if that happens! Hopefully it won't! I'm guessing I'll have a drastic slow down now that I'll be asleep and not taking fluids in. But, still... I'm easily going AT LEAST 150ml each time I pee... and those are on the "small" trips. I've had a couple of times that I've nearly filled both 180ml cups and then had to empty one into the container to finish going! There's no way that this is normal. I've barely had more than 2000ml of fluid today. I can't wait to get these results back and see what's what! I'm astonished at what I'm seeing! I knew I went a lot, but I had no idea how much "a lot" really was!

So, that's me... Off the loo for one final wee before bed! I'm waking up at 7:15am to go, because I'm concerned about the amount I'd be dealing with if I wait until my actual wake up time! And, then I'll have one final go at about 11am! Then off to return the container of urine and have some more needles stuck in to me!

Urine In My Refrigerator!

Yep! That's it! A big freakin' jug of urine that lives in my refrigerator! Exciting stuff, yeah? I know I was pretty stoked to hear that I would have bodily fluids sitting around where I keep my food! :(

I worry a bit about my urine volume already. Apparently 800 to 2000 milliliters per day is normal. I started my collection at 11am... well, sort of. At 11am, I discarded my FMU (as required) and I've collected everything since then. Its not 5pm and I'm already at about 500 milliliters. I have a lot of my 24 hours left to already be 1/4 of the way to the 2000 mark.

Amongst the many, many tests I'm having done... I have to do a 24 hour urine collection. Good times! The bright side? I have a doctor who believes in tests now! YAY!

To get to some of what's been tested already... She ran a full thyroid panel. The portions that have come back already were all very, very normal. There is at least one thyroid test that is still out, and she warned me that it could take up to 2 weeks (from last Friday) to get the result. Actually, almost everything looked normal... ALMOST!

My Vitamin D level was at 18 ng/mL. It showed that as "low"... but it listed the reference range as 20-100 ng/mL. So, I didn't think much of it at first glance. Then I read the paragraph below it that said <20>30 ng/mL is sufficient. Further research online showed that OPTIMAL levels are 50-70 ng/mL! Soooo, I'm WAY off from "optimal," and I'm now on a high dose supplement of it. My reading suggests that we can easily process up to 10,000 IU of it each day, so I bought 5,000 IU supplements to try and get the deficiency up to an optimal level as quickly as possible. There are many, many ugly things that the deficiency can do. So, I'm hopeful that this is part of my problem.

I plan to go to my GP with a loooooong list of blood tests that I want run. I'm sick of this crap hand that I've been dealt! I'm getting most of them done on CD3 so I don't have to go in more times than absolutely necessary!

Here's the list:

FBC - including ESR

Iron, Ferritin, B12, B6

TSH

FSH, LH, E2

lgE, lgA

Antinuclear antibodies

Cardiolipin antibodies

Lupus anticoagulant

Thrombophilia studies

Prolactin

Progesterone

T3, T4

Total Testosterone

Free Testosterone

DHEAS

Androstenedione

SHBG

Fasting Insulin

MTHFR

Then, I'll definitely be going back for 7dpo Progesterone testing! I'm not so certain that it's not still low.

Hoping I can get all of this figured out sooner than later, because its the first step in actually conceiving a HEALTHY pregnancy! I'll be reporting my results as they come in... at least the interesting ones! I'll save you the boredom of reading through the "normal" results!

I hope this post finds everyone well! I've really missed blogging here... but I just hadn't worked up the nerve to do it yet. I hope some of you are still reading!

♥ Megg

Back to Conception!

Its late, and I don't have the energy to talk much about it yet... but I found out on May 7 during my first midwife appointment that I had blighted ovum. Apparently, that was the more accurate term for what I had back in December as well. Its all semantics really... I guess it doesn't matter what its called. From what the midwife said, a missed miscarriage is when there is a visible beginning of the embryo in the sac but growth stopped and there is no heartbeat. A blighted ovum is basically the same thing, only it is when growth stops prior to a visible beginning of the embryo in the sac. Well, I had the sac, but no embryo. Honestly... What difference does it possibly make? It sucks, no matter what you call it!

I've started a prescription to bring on the bleed... again. I've had so much blood taken out of me in the last week, I can't be sure that I have any left. At least I'm being tested for a variety of things now. I don't have the time or the energy to type them all out just yet... But, I'm sure I'll get around to it soon.

Last time this happened... I took it very well. This time... Not so much! I feel like my heart has been shattered into a million little pieces. So, I'm trying to find all those pieces, dust them off, glue them back together, and find the will to try again.

Maybe my tests will give me answers... hope... peace. I only have a tiny sliver of hope so far. I'm Vitamin D deficient. There can be bad things related to that... I'm hoping its a big part of the problem. I guess I'll know more soon though.

I really, really wanted to be able to update this last Friday with a gorgeous U/S pic of happy, bouncing baby... but instead, I have to post this.

I feel like everyone I know is let down by me. I had to tell my entire family that I was a 2nd time loser. I could hear the pain in their voices... but they tried to be strong for me! And, I found out 2 days before Mother's Day! What a crock of shit is that? Timing couldn't have been worse if I'd tried. *cry*

Anyway... I'm off to bed. I guess there will be charts to stalk and all that fun stuff on here soon.

♥ Megg

Progress!

Welcome back! I'm a happy girl today! I'm happy every time I buy stuff... and did I ever buy stuff today! Haha!

I ordered 2/3 of my nursery furniture!!! I ordered the dresser and wardrobe in the picture. I found a crib I like better from the same company in reasonably the same color... So, I'll be getting that a bit later. I only ordered this early because its a 20 week order and won't be in until the end of August... and my EDD is end of November! So, it was important to get it done ASAP! I also wanted to get in on their "Buy 1 piece, get the 2nd piece for 30% off!" deal that ended at close tonight! I got the wardrobe for $279.99 and the dresser for $160.99 down from $229.99! Yay!

This is the crib! And, it doesn't have to be ordered 20 weeks in advance! :)

The crib has a little tiny bit more cherry to it than the other set but only a little. And, I like the shape a lot more than the other crib. So, since the nursery is pretty large, I intend to put them on different walls anyway... I don't think you'll notice honestly. I just wish I could see them next to each other now... ya know? Just so I could be sure! I can't stand it when wood finishes are significantly different... Probably something to do with the interior design degree! ;)

Also... I bought a pram! I'm excited! I love it! Gender neutral and GORGEOUS!

It's a Safety 1st AeroLite Travel System! The car seat is 5-35 lbs and the pram is up to 40 lbs. So, all I really need is a booster seat for after. Most infant seats only go up to about 20 lbs... So, I'm pretty happy about that! It was $179.99, and I got it 20% off... So, only $143.99!

I'm now working out paint colors! I plan to have one wall painted a sort of celery green with a chocolate brown rectangle for my wall appliqué... THIS! The other walls will probably remain the cream color they currently are!

Rectangles painted on walls aren't exactly new to me... I have hand-painted rectangles and murals all over my bedroom walls!

That's it for tonight! I might scan and post paint chips later to see what you all think! I'll add some pics/scans of the greens I know I'll be using too!

Long Time No Blog!

Its been a few days... Oops! LOL

I have new purchases, but not pics yet. My mom and aunt wanted to see what I had so far, so it's all packed neatly for ease of bringing it for my Easter visit with my family! I've gone through it all with them both already... So, I'm not unpacking it again until I get home! Lazy? Maybe! :)

I had high hopes for blogging on Friday... but Kevin got out of work an hour early so we could leave earlier... then we still didn't get on the road until 6! EEK! I guess it would have been 7 if he hadn't gotten out early though. So, it still worked out! Luckily for me, his Fridays are pretty slow! No one cares about their IT issues when they want to leave for the weekend... especially a holiday weekend!

We finally got on the road, but then stopped about 90 minutes into the 4 hour trip for a quick walk through Babies R Us! We have a Toys R Us with a small baby section, but not actual Babies R Us! It was nice... but nothing terribly special that I can't get closer to home. They just seem to have more colors of everything, but not really anything especially different... if that makes sense! Like... They have the same pram in 8 different colors/patterns... whereas we might have it in 3 colors/patterns. But, nothing really different... just more of the same thing. Now I'm rambling! Oh well!

I've picked out a few more things that I haven't bought yet. Namely, I've decided on my walker (or walker type thing) and crib bedding!

This is the walker (or walker type thing)... Its the Bright Starts Around We Go Activity Station! Considering that my house is somewhat less than an open floor plan (1920's bungalow style with lots of original oak built-ins and tons of doors)... then combine that with a plethora of antiques, breakables, family heirlooms, and stairs... I'm not very keen on the idea of a walker that rolls freely through the house. So, this... This is GREAT! It still builds walking skills... It entertains... The various activities would be motivation to move around... and its stationary! I know the biggest complaint I hear from parents/caretakers of babies who are "walker" age is that you can look away for 2 seconds and the baby is in to something s/he shouldn't be! Not with this little beauty!

And, this is my crib bedding! I first saw it last week in an ad for a crib... with no info on the bedding! That all but drove me mad... not knowing what the only bedding I've ever really liked was called or where I could get it! But, we found it... "Bali" by Cocalo! My amazing husband thought to check the Bed, Bath, & Beyond website, and there it was!!! This was really exciting right up until I realized it was around $70 more than all the other bedding I've looked at! Hell, its as much as my crib! But, I want it... So I shall have it! I actually really love the diaper stacker and mobile that goes with it too!

I got to snuggle my cousin's little girl today for the first time in well over a month... maybe more! She's just about 8 months old.... and I was worried she'd be a bit "Who the hell are you? Put me down!" since I've not been able to spend much time with her since I live 250 miles away. But, I walked in and she grabbed on to my neck and put her head on my shoulder as soon as my aunt handed her over. She supposedly difficult to keep happy... but she just held on and snuggled with me for a good 15-20 minutes. Then, I fed her a whole jar of macaroni and cheese with vegetables even though I was told she wasn't eating well because she was cutting teeth! She seemed plenty interested in eating! She would open her mouth every time I said "Bite?" It was SUPER cute! Then, I changed her diaper and got her dressed for the day! By then, she had lost interest in being doted over and preferred being in her walker and trying to get into things she shouldn't! LOL But, it was time to meet my parents for lunch... so that was my aunt's (her grandma) problem!

I don't have much else to report. I don't feel too awful, which is both fortunate and unfortunate! I'm peeing a bit more than normal... but I've also had more fluids today than usual. So, its probably entirely unrelated! Boobs still ache and I'm exhausted... I've been exhausted all day! Still having to hold back tears for no reason, and I was having hot flashes earlier! Its funny that my mom and I was both get them for utterly opposite reasons! :)

Yep! That's it! My next post should come quicker than this one did!

Love & Hugs!

Megg ♥

Opinions, Shopping, and School...

Lots to update today! Another poll to post too! So... let's get started!

Where to go first? Let's go with the poll! The answers are about the following picture! I'll tell you what the picture is in a second! LOL

The photo (click for HUGE) is 5 choices of hardware for my nursery furniture! Yes, I intend to change all the hardware to make it prettier! I majored in interior design for chrissake! Let's move on! Anyway... These are the top 5 choices for hardware replacements. My colors... They're the colors aqua, celery, chocolate, and cream! Here's a picture of 3 storage tubs that happened to be the right colors setting next to each other.

Okay... With that in mind... This is one of the two pieces of furniture that would have the knobs on it. The other is a dresser in the same color.

Yes, I know its meant to go in a bathroom! I don't really care though! I want it in my nursery! :)

Anyway, the knobs are marked 1-5. The poll reflects this! I will leave voting open for a week! Please, please vote! If you need to add anything more than a simple vote, do so in the comments! I appreciate it!

Now for the shopping! YAY! My favorite part! I bought more stuff! Who's shocked? Show of hands! No one? Damn!

I have no self-control! They were all like $6/each! The bunny octopus are 6mo. The peas and cutie are 9mo. They're PJ's! You can't have too many pairs of baby PJ's!

I'm super happy to announce that my bottles showed up today! Woohoo!!!

I don't know why one box is made different! I guess one is from before the design change and the other 2 from after! I couldn't care less! The bottles seem to be identical! So, I'm happy!

Then... School! I looked through the culinary courses, and the only ones I really want to take are "Professional Cooking" (which is a basics course that you must have to take others), "Baking," "Fish, Meat, and Poultry," and "Sauces." So, I think I'm going to take 2 at time. They're 1st 8 weeks and 2nd 8 weeks courses... So, I can have all of them done before our little Geek-Bud arrives! YAY! Of course, I'm still apt to change my mind! LOL But, we'll see! That's the plan for now!

Yesterday was bad for me. Lots of things came up to the surface that I didn't want. But, I'm working through them. I've blubbered about it everywhere else, but I'll just put the short version here! Basically, I have trouble even believing that my MMC happened because I never even saw a heartbeat. It was just a little circle on a screen. I mean, I KNOW it happened... but it never quite seemed real. Then, once I accept that it's real... Then I realize that I spent over a month walking around happily "pregnant" when it was all over already and I didn't know. So, you add that to the fact that I feel similarly now to how I felt then... and it adds up to me doubting everything all the time. I don't know how to trust my body! Granted, I did feel like something wasn't right last time before the eventual scan... But, I feel like that some days now too. The only difference is that the feeling seems to come and go this time, and last time it stuck around! But, I worry every time I feel that way that it won't go! And, how do I know that anything "positive" that I feel isn't just my body being cruel and playing another joke on me? How do I not feel like a big faker who just created symptoms after my baby was gone last time? I feel like I lied to myself without meaning to! So, how do I escape from that when it hits? Well, I don't! I mean... I feel it, and then I have to move on! I was VERY low yesterday. But, I know that overly emotional (including depression) can be very characteristic of pregnancy. So, I'm trying to take it as a good sign that my hormones are just freaking out!

Today... I've been good today! Every time I have a negative thought, I buy something for the baby/nursery! It makes it seem more real for me, and its my way of apologizing to my child for losing faith! Its expensive, but it makes me smile! I think it will cost me a lot less when I can feel him/her moving! :D But, until then... bye-bye $$$! Haha!

I guess that's it for now! I appreciate the help with the poll! Love you all! I wouldn't survive without you!

One last thing! If you read this... Sam... Thanks for listening today! You made me feel a lot better! With everything you have going on, I really appreciate that you took the time out to check on me! You're an amazing woman, and I'm very lucky to know you! *hugs*

Love, Megg xx

I bought...

The RED diaper bag! I actually love it now that I have it! Picture time!

Here's hoping the descriptions are readable! Click for HUGE if they aren't!

Anyway... I really, really love it now that I've gotten to play with it! And, I'm perfectly happy with the color. I didn't think I would be! But I am! So, YAY!

Now on to other stuff! So, it might seem like I'm jumping the gun on purchasing with my 8% ticker over there to the right... but I have my reasons. Not many people get this side of my life... but here it is.

So, I VERY unexpectedly lost my job on Dec 11, 2008. It was a great job! I loved it. I was one of many, many people who were "permanently laid off"... Merry Christmas! :(

Anyway, I've been on unemployment since then, because there are no jobs here that pay anywhere near what I was making. In fact, I can't easily get a minimum wage job working nights and weekends and make even as much as I make on unemployment. Regardless... That's not the point.

My base unemployment ran out months ago. Like... December or before! But, because the unemployment rate is such crap in the U.S., there have been extensions issued. I've been on extensions for a little while now... They're given out a couple of months at a time. But, you don't know until one is over if there's another coming. So, I know that any day now I could lose $1050/month. That's a lot! Not as much as I lost when I lost my job in '08... but still a lot!

So, if I seem like I'm jumping the gun with buying at 5.5 weeks pregnant... I *know* that the money won't be there to do some of this stuff later. We can easily afford to raise a child. But, I can't afford to go out and buy a $70 diaper bag or a $250 crib when I don't have that money coming in. In fact, I can't even leave big stuff for the baby registry, because I can't take a chance on not getting some of the stuff and then not being able to afford it when I'm out of time. So, I have to buy my crib, changing table, dresser, Pack and Play, pram, etc... I need to be doing that NOW! I don't have the luxury to wait... because I need to be responsible for when my child does get here!

Anyway, that ways on my mind a lot. I know it seems crazy to buy so much stuff so quickly. But I can afford to put out $1000/month on baby stuff right now without hindering our lifestyle. I can't do that... at some point... and I don't even know when that point is! But, I won't be going back to work now for sure. So, I do know the future, and I'm trying to prepare for it!

Speaking of which... I'm considering going back to school to prolong my unemployment. But, pregnancy + school = ??? Disaster? Success? Not sure! :/

Until next time...

♥Megg

Super Quick...

Opinions Needed!

Cocoa Oval (available immediately in a store)

Blue Vines (available through the internet)

Which do I want? If the bottom one was brown instead of navy blue, there would be no discussion. If the top one didn't have orange on it, there would also be no discussion! But, that's not the case, and J.J. Cole isn't going to make one just for me! LOL I lean slightly toward the bottom one, but also lean slightly towards "I DON'T LIKE TO WAIT!!!" So, I have to have help here! Poll to the right! Please answer! More specific advice can be added as a comment!

2 Days in 1 Post!

Sorry about last night! I was out most of the evening, and then too tired when I got home to bother with posting! There will be more about where I was and what I was doing in my "other" blog! It was entirely un-pregnancy/baby related!

So, I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday (internally) because I wasn't "feeling" pregnant. Then at about 6 o'clock... maybe later... my left boobs started throbbing and made me feel a load better! Haha! Funny how pains makes us more comfortable some days!

This week is very scary for me. Last time, growth stopped this week. Of course, I was experiencing heavy spotting/light bleeding (despite my progesterone cream) at this time too. In fact, the last pregnancy had more or less ended as of now... I just didn't know it. Unfortunately, I don't know what I was feeling then. I don't remember! And, my journal... Well, I don't think it exists at all anymore! In fact, I know it doesn't. *shrug* So, I can't look back and see how I was feeling. It sucks, but whatever!

Today... I've had some twinges off and on all day. That helps! My hips are killing me from walking around for a bit. So, that's a good sign, I guess! Of course, I have new purchases too! LOL I can't seem to help myself!

I should really be holding out and buying the bigger stuff... but this stuff is so hard to pass up! LOL And, I'm very willing to put a girl or boy in all the stuff I've gotten. I do have one more outfit and another bib that I haven't posted... but I can't be bothered to get them out and take the pic right now! Ha! So lazy!

I've been exhausted today! Eating like a horse! Gassy! Lots of unpleasantness that I gladly welcome! The twinges are so welcome though! And, I get the slightest little bit of nausea or at least tummy unease here and there. Its like... I don't need to vomit but I might feel better if I did! LOL But, it comes and goes pretty quickly! Eating too much seems to have that effect. I don't feel "full" anymore... but I do feel queasy! I guess that's my new queue to stop eating!

I also picked (sort of) a diaper bag. I haven't purchased it yet, because there were only 2 available in my stores and one wasn't made the way I wanted, while the other wasn't colors that I liked. But, its a J.J. Cole system! Its this: http://jjcolecollections.com/system-180

Anyway... I totally love it, but the one that I like the color isn't the System 180 model (just the System model... and an older version of it from what I can tell... which lacks a bit). The one that is the System 180 model is the brown and red one. I hate red. I really, really hate red! LOL

So, I need to find and buy the whichever one I decide on. I think I'm going to check Amazon for a better price! I don't LOVE $70 for it... but I'll do what I have to! The key was that I found a $400 Coach diaper bag first... So, this one looks like a deal now! HA!

That's about all I have today! Let's hope that things are progressing well in the ol' baby grower... and maybe I'll get to use this stuff one day soon!

By the way... Who wants to come help move furniture and paint my nursery? Hmmm? I'll feed you in return for your efforts! You know you want to! :)

Did I Mention...

How much I love to shop? :D

So, I posted my bottles yesterday! Today, I'm going to show off some of my other purchases. Some of you might have seen a couple of them already... but others just followed me home today!

The left image is the most adorable little outfit that I got a few days ago. The legs can re-snap into a gown too, which I love! The giraffe face is a bib, actually! :) The right image is a blanket that says "PEACE" in a celery green with a chocolate brown peace sign above it! It's VERY me! Plus, my colors are aqua, celery, chocolate and cream! :) The thing above the blanket is a bib, obviously! The blue on it is close to my aqua! YAY! I got those with the outfit at Target on Monday... I think?

These are from last night! I had to walk past the baby section of Walmart twice... TWICE! I did okay the first time... but the second? EPIC FAIL (or WIN)!!! They're 0-6mo puppy dog slippers! They'll help keep my puppy dog from licking the baby's toes! HAHA!

And, these followed me home just today! I had some $5 off coupons from Cracker Barrel (because we eat there way too much) and they expire on Mar 31! Well, I couldn't let that happen, now could I? So, I went to see what I could find. I left with a sock monkey and a chick face onesie! LOL I know that its hard to know what size a baby will be at a given time of the year. And, I have no idea if my child will be in a 6mo size near Easter 2011. But, I bet I put him/her in it whenever it fits at some point! LOL I don't care if I have to put long sleeves under it and long pants over it... my baby WILL wear that chick face! HAHA! I LOVE IT! And, sock monkey... Its a SOCK MONKEY! Duh! I ♥ Sock Monkey!

Boobs are still achy and (reported by Kevin) larger and fuller with expanding, darker areolas... I'm exhausted mostly all the time... And, other than the twinges/cramps, I don't notice much of anything different. Well... Okay... I smell things that don't exist! But, other than that! LOL

I don't have much that's very exciting! I'm just taking it a day at a time! I've really enjoyed giving up temping! That was empowering! I thought it would bother me... but it's been 4 days now... and I am VERY happy about it! I'm not worried at all about "oh, it went down" or anything! Less stress is good, right?

Okay... Over and out! I'm headed to bed! I know its early and all, but I can't be bothered to stay awake. I've been tired since 4pm! That was over 8 hours ago! LOL

Love, Megg xx

I Do Love to Shop!

Since the bottles I'm intent on using don't seem to be available in stores anymore, I just bought a double pack of Stage 1, Stage 2, and Stage 3 bottles! I'm guessing it's a decent start! I wouldn't normally buy things like that so early... but I'm afraid they're not going to be around for much longer! So, we do what we have to do in order to get our way, don't we! LOL

I know this is going to sound childish... but they feel like a boob... and it fascinates me! LOL They're the Adiri Natural Nursers... White Stage 1, Blue Stage 2, Orange Stage 3!

If only all baby purchases were so quick and easy! Who wants to buy me a crib and changing table? No one? Oh... :(

Boobs ache more right now than I remember them aching this morning. But sometimes it's hard to keep track of just how unpleasantly sore they are from one moment to the next! I feel a bit short on sleep today! I got about 7.5-8 hours last night... which is a far cry from the 10 I'd have liked. Then, my nap today was only about 1 hour! I prefer 2-3! LOL So, I'm tired... but surviving! Early to bed for me tonight!

Also managed to go buy some new clothes (for me) yesterday... I made sure they were all relatively future-bump friendly though! In fact, 2 of the shirts would be super cute with a bump! Now, if only I can turn this mass of fatty tissue into something more baby-related! HA!

Off to dinner for us, I think! Cracker Barrel! YUM! Then, maybe a movie... if I'm still awake!

♥ Megg

An Introduction!

My name is Megg. My husband is Kevin. We're both 29, and have been working on starting a family (off and on) for a few years. We were delighted in October of last year when I got a positive pregnancy test. But, at my 10 week appointment, all the sonographer found was a gestational sac measuring 5w2d. She thought I should be really happy, because I was trying to get pregnant and the ultrasound showed that I was. She didn't seem to care that I knew things were terribly wrong. But, I got follow-up for the next week and (of course) it showed no new growth. The sonographer was the only one in the room who was surprised. So, I took the pills to get things moving since my body wasn't doing it on its own... and then back to trying!

Cycle Zero (the days following a miscarriage bleed before the first actual period after it) was a HUGE mind-trip! It dragged on and on and on! No sign of my period. No sign of a 2nd line on tests. I knew in my heart that I wasn't pregnant again... but I had to wait and see what would happen. Well, it never showed on its own. So, eventually, I took pills again to bring it on.

I had never been so happy to get my period! And, I went into Cycle One (starting Feb 19) with a VERY positive attitude! I was taking Soy Isoflavones (200mg CD5-9)... and I just knew it would be my cycle! The Soy did its thing. Ovulation came right on time! I felt like it was good and strong based on the very welcomed pain! LOL My temperatures were the best I'd ever seen... mostly! I had a few dips that drove me to near insanity! I just knew I was out a few times... but somewhere inside I had a feeling.

I was having strange dreams, craving milk, had an achy back and hips... all very peculiar! Then I started to get some very familiar feelings in my lower abdomen that I was happy to be feeling! Then, on March 21 (just a few days ago), I got another positive test! It was faint, but definitely there. And, now that its dry... There is NO mistake! :)

I honesty never thought it would happen for me again. I just couldn't be that lucky twice! But, here I am! I'm about 4.5 weeks based on ovulation date... and not a hitch yet! Of course, I can't see what's going on in there... but things feel as if they're going well enough. I have plenty of little twingy feelings... achy boobs... ability to sleep wicked amounts of time! Just hoping my little Soy Bean sticks around this time!

That's about all I have for the moment! There's only so much that can be said at 4w4d pregnant! But, I'm trying to be hopeful... and I don't want to miss a single thing this time!

Until next time!

~Megg