A Rant...

Just because someone doesn't understand WHY I feel the way I feel, doesn't mean that I shouldn't feel that way. This will make more sense shortly... I promise!

So, I have a good friend who I love dearly! He's generally an AMAZING person! He's one of the best friends I've had the honor of knowing, and he loves me to pieces. I need to put that out there... because he DOES mean well. He just doesn't always know what is okay to say and what isn't okay to say!

Yesterday was 6 months since my first loss... and I'm not dealing with it well... at all! He invited me and Kevin over, but I warned him that I was VERY down. He said not to worry about it and come over anyway. So, we went. Now, I tend to crack a few jokes at my own expense to lighten the topic of my shitty luck. But, I do it when I'm in the mood to handle it.

That being said, he asked me why I was down. I explained that it was 6 months since my first loss, Sunday will be 1 month since my 2nd loss, and June 27th is my first due date. So, I'm just not coping well. Its making me extremely depressed at the moment. This is where it all starts to go a bit wrong!

He begins by telling me that he doesn't understand why I want a baby so much anyway. I know he doesn't understand. He doesn't like children... at all. He doesn't know why anyone wants them. I accept that! I don't expect him to understand why.

Then, he continues to ask me if I can be certain that I won't regret having one after the fact. Like, "What if you decide after you've had a baby that it was the wrong decision and you don't want to be a mother after all?" Well, I tried to explain that I used to not want kids... But, once I got a trial run at motherhood with my ex-husband's son, it was 1000 times more rewarding than I could have ever expected, and I was VERY happy with being a mother! We're still doing okay at this point... mostly.

As the evening (err... morning) continued, he got more and more worried about my mental state. He didn't want to leave me by myself. So, he vowed to stay up with me and talk it out. I think this was the major error really.

I dropped my husband off to go to sleep so he could work in the morning, and my friend and I went for a drive. He starts telling me that I'm not putting enough thought into whether or not it could be my husband's fault... basically, male-factor... but without knowing the term for it. I explain that male-factor usually makes it difficult to get pregnant, not to stay pregnant. That there is a slight chance, but its not likely.

Then, I add that my ex-husband has a tendency to get women pregnant by looking at them, and we never so much as had a "scare" in 5 years. That's when he comes out with... "So, in reality, its probable that you won't ever have children." *shakes head in a shocked manner* WHAT?!

I freaked... while I was driving! He notices and says, "No, I mean... You'll have children... But you probably won't ever get pregnant!" Oh... That's MUCH better? I said... "Uhm... Getting pregnant is sort of how having children works, ya know?" Did I mention that he's gay? Because he is... and thinking of girls having "girl parts" kind of freaks him out... I feel its important to mention that!

Anyway... He tried to back peddle... because I'm CRYING while driving! He eventually says that he just meant it might not happen without some sort of treatment... IVF or something. That is somewhat acceptable... I guess. But, only sort of.

Did I mention that he was questioning me earlier in the night about why I don't just adopt? Because, that came up! I tried to explain that its not so easy.

But, its seriously done my head in. No one has ever told me that its probable that I will never have children or probably won't get pregnant! That's... awful. And, I honestly don't believe that he knew it was awful. But, it doesn't hurt any less, now does it?

Anyway... I took my first Provera pill yesterday... I should be bleeding by June 24. So, I'll still be bleeding on my first due date. That's about as depressing as possible! But, its a necessary evil... I suppose!

I can't honestly say that I'm not more pessimistic than ever right now. Hearing those words... even if they weren't necessarily true... THEY FUCKING HURT! And, to hear them from someone I love... That's the hard part. I feel enough like he might be right when he's NOT saying it.... But, hearing it just made it 1,000,000 times more awful!

I guess that's all for tonight... Enough whining from me!

Any psychics reading? Anyone who can tell me that he's wrong with 100% accuracy? Anyone who tells me that I'll have a baby of my own VERY SOON... because they KNOW rather than because its the nice thing to say? I'll take just about anything right now. I'm desperate!

Truly Heartbroken,

Megg ♥

FAIL!

So, my ovaries failed me... as suspected! I said in my last post that I didn't feel like I'd ovulated, and I hadn't! My progesterone level came back as 0.6. That's as clear as the "You didn't ovulate!" message gets! I marked all my fever temps as such, and my crosshairs are gone. I guess its for the best since I deserve them.

This is just how I felt after my December "cycle"... But, I hoped that it was just coincidence. Now, I'm seeing a pattern. I obviously don't ovulate right after a loss. Weird that some women get to be more fertile, but I just fail miserably instead. Rubbish!

On the bright side, I still had refills of my Provera. So, I called one in and can pick it up anytime after noon today. That's a plus. I'm just going to cut and run. I refuse to wait around this time like I did after December. I gave in on CD58 back then. I don't intend to wait another 2 months! I'm not getting any younger. It just blows that I'll have to wait about 10 days to bleed, and then another 16 to ovulate. So, almost a month!

I just want another chance at my progesterone test before I get passed along to a fertility specialist. I don't need all of that if its just progesterone!

Of course, this worries me that I'm somehow never going to ovulate again or something... or that I never actually do! But, I know how stupid that is! I could feel a HUGE difference between this month and the months when I do ovulate! So, I'm trying to put it out of my mind.

I guess that's all for tonight... err... today! Its almost 6am. I guess I should sleep! :(

G'night! ♥

Just Another Day...

There aren't words to express how sick I am of swallowing those every day! And, I feel like I have NOTHING to show for it! I can't even fathom that its remotely healthy to take so many pills on a daily basis... but its the doctors who insist! Honestly, I don't know why I take some of them. The Zinc, Chromium, Selenium, and B Complex are recent editions. My thyroid looks good, but those will help to keep it balanced in the future. Okay... but I wasn't taking those when it looked good to begin with! So, necessary? I can't imagine how it could be! The selenium... It smells just like URINE! And, it tastes like it smells. So, in a round about way, I feel as if I might know what pee tastes like! AWESOME! :(

I don't necessarily feel as if I've ovulated, but Fertility Friend seems to insist that I have. And, it seems to believe that I ovulated when the moon was in precisely the same phase as it was the night I was born. It was 2 days prior to waning crescent in both scenarios. Of course, I find lunar fertility interesting... So, that fascinates me!

I wasn't able to get my progesterone results today. They hadn't come back yet when I called. So, I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about them though, to be honest.

I received a call this afternoon saying that my wardrobe and dresser that were supposed to come in at the end of August are actually in right now! So, I have 90 days to pay it off and pick it up. Paying it off is... whatever! I only owe about $300, and they wouldn't let me pay for it until it came in. It just wasn't an option! Weird, but whatever! However, this means that I'll baby furniture in my home by September 8. That's a bit nerve-wracking! I don't even know that I'll be pregnant by then, let alone knowing if I'll be in a HEALTHY pregnancy by then! I guess I have a shot at it... but no guarantees!

Honestly, this is the first time I haven't symptom spotted at all. I can't even be bothered to think about it. I was only just informed yesterday that its not really an impossibility! Still, I'm pretty sure it is, and I don't know why. Not expecting to be pregnant at the end of this "cycle" isn't really accurate... I expect not to be pregnant! I don't know how to articulate the difference there. I guess not expecting to be pregnant would be the frame of mind that it would be a nice surprise, but it probably won't happen. I'm more in the frame of mind that it won't happen, and I would be absolutely shocked and probably not believe it if it did! Oddly, I'm not even being pessimistic... I'm not really feeling down... I'm just convinced! LOL

I guess that's all I know for now... not that I knew much of anything! Just waiting to see what happens.

Until next time!

~Megg ♥

How Long Have I Been Gone?

Its been almost a month! What rubbish! I'm awful at this, I think! :(

Its been a very busy month, to be honest. Lots of blood tests, lots of waiting, lots of results, lots of confusion... Just lots of everything!

I posted that list of tests I wanted run... and I've had nearly all of them. In fact, I can't be sure that we missed any, as the names we call the test can differ from the name that comes back on the lab sheet. Anyway... I've been pretty well given an overall "normal" set of results. Frustrating but also reassuring. Some of those things are not things I want to deal with. So, I can't complain about that, I suppose!

There is only one test to go... PROGESTERONE! I go in for that Thursday morning. Honestly, I don't know if I'll be 7dpo on Thursday or not. This has been the most confusing, unfortunate month in a long while. My chart says I'm 7dpo today... but I'm sure that's not true! I had a fever (to go along with my overall feeling of "Please, just let me die!") for several days, and there are some temps almost randomly adjusted for the fever... because it was at the worst time possible! So, I basically just knocked my fever temps down by .5 degrees across the board! Is that right? I don't know! I felt some ovary pain very late at night on CD15. I can only imagine that's when O was. But, the pains still come and go. So, that makes me wonder!

I'm worried. I'm worried that I'm getting tested on the wrong day. I'm worried that I didn't actually ovulate to begin with. I want to fail this test, because I want an answer. But I also worry that I will fail it too badly, if that makes sense. I also worry that I WON'T fail it at all... and I'll still be "normal."

To be even 6dpo, I have to say that I'm not symptom spotting at all. Honestly, I don't expect to even have a chance of being pregnant at the end of this "cycle." Why? I don't know! I should have just as good of a chance this time as any. But, I don't feel like I do. I'm not even going to be upset when I'm not pregnant this time. I know I'm not going to be. It just seems like an impossibility.

Next step (after this last test) is to get me into a new fertility specialist. My GP has done all she can do. She is limited by not being a "specialist" of any sort. So, who knows how that will go. I'm nervous. I expect them to tell me to take a year off and lose weight first. But nothing that gets screwed up with excess weight seems to be screwed up on me. I agree that I need to lose weight... obviously! But, I refuse to put TTC on hold to do it! I just worry that they will refuse to help me until I do. The only card I have to pull is the insurance card... "If you won't take my insurance company's money because of my weight, I'll just find someone who will!" Of course, that's easier said than done... but doctors do love money! So, I can only hope!

I guess I haven't updated because I haven't known what to say. Some days, I'm really, really down. Others, I'm doing fine. Some days, I feel like it will never, ever happen. Other days, I know it will happen sooner than later. My head is a pretty crazy place right now. Getting bad results on the progesterone test and being put on supplements would make me 1000 times more hopeful, I think.

I'm just scared. There are so many people in my life who now know that we're trying... and I know they expect me to succeed. I just worry that I won't. It was bad enough to envision me letting myself and my husband down... but to let down the rest of the people I love too? Its too much. I guess that's all I have for now. I don't really expect that anyone is still reading this anyway.

G'night to any readers left!

Megg, over and out!

Bad Night...

No particular reason, I guess. Just feeling especially sorry for myself this evening. I was doing well most of the weekend, though. So, I guess an off night is okay. Its just... As much I want to get on with the bleeding... That's really "it," if you know what I mean? Granted, I've gotten quite used to the idea that its all happened again. I really, really have. I'm not even shocked. I was the only one consistently saying that I thought something wasn't right... I had a bad feeling! But, everyone insisted that it was different this time! *buzzer sound* Wrong-O!

I don't know what I'm even saying anymore! Great! Just a really depressing night... following a really depressing week!

Did I have my whine about Tuesday? I don't recall! I don't think I did! This is utterly non-conception related... but its "Fuck! What happened to my sanity?" related! So, there!

Tuesday... Oh, Tuesday! I believe that was the day that I was chasing around my blood test results (the ones that were already in)... but my husband's car also just decided to turn off at a stop light. Earlier, the battery light came on. So, we went immediately and had the battery and alternator checked. We got the "OK" on them... but were told it was likely a loose connection... "Don't worry about it! It should be fine!," says the car guy! Of course, he could have said that there was something wrong and sold us expensive car parts... So, not sure why he went with "Don't worry about it!" But, we take his word. Then about 3 hours later, the stereo clock turns off. Uh oh! I know what that means! Then, the dash lights start to dim! Aww, shit! Then some stuttering while idling... not that I didn't already know what was going to happen! It was a matter of WHERE it would happen! Of course, it happens AT A STOPLIGHT in a not-so-great area! Awesome! I had enough juice to put the hazards on and crack the windows! Its hot here! I call my husband sobbing! He tells me quite accurately that he can't do anything because he's at work! I know that, but its not what I wanted to hear! He says to call a tow truck. I tell him to call the tow truck whilst I try and find someone to get me out of the hell hole I'm stuck in! I call one of my besties, Justin! He's was only about 2 miles away, luckily! I felt awful though, because he doesn't usually see me cry! But, this was different! Plus, I hadn't ever told him about the pregnancy that I'm losing... and I was obviously still upset about that before the car thing. So, I had to tell him why I was so upset. Of course, he asks if I'm sure there's no hope, and I explained that there wasn't any question. He put his arm around me, and I cried on his shoulder while we waited for the tow. He's awesome! (He's also very gay, in case anyone wonders why my husband let's me cry in the arms of another man!)

Anyway, we have to figure out what's wrong with my husband's car (that we hate)! My car needs a wheel bearing replaced, and the shop we went to last time has jacked up their labor costs in a ridiculous way! Last time, the replacement with labor was $160. This time, they're asking $250... and the part didn't change prices... only labor! Why in the hell would I pay them an extra $90 to do the same exact thing? They asked what our labor was charged at last time when Kevin spoke with them, but he didn't know at the time. So, we've found the receipt, and he's going to call to discuss it in the morning. Hopefully they'll make some concession about the fact that its the same job on the same car... so the cost should be similar, if not the same!

Conception-wise, I have nothing to discuss! I can't do anything yet. That's also VERY frustrating! Feeling helpless is not something I'm good at! I like to be in control... and this is very out of control for me right now. I just want to do something... even if its wrong! But, I can't!

Anyway, I need to try to remember to temp in the morning! That's on the list of "important things" for me! Its hard to get back in the swing of it now that its been so long! But, I'm hoping to see the progesterone come back out of my system... I don't like the witch to catch me off guard!

Tomorrow is going to be spent with Justin again... Tuesday, not sure... Wednesday is a girl's day with my friend, Tierney! We're going to see "Letters to Juliet"... lots of tears, I imagine! Even the preview makes me cry! So, I can imagine the movie with be embarrassing sobbing like in "Time Traveler's Wife" and "Bucket List." I should remember to take tissues with me!

I guess I'm over and out for the night. That's enough boo-hoo'ing for me this time!

Hey! Maybe this won't be such a pity-fest one day! I could be happy at some point in the future... maybe!

~Megg

Wait, Wait, Wait!

Can I have my blood test results back now? That would be great! I've paid my dues, with the bruises to prove it! And, those are a week old already! You should have seen them last Friday!

Don't mind the kitty! He's just hanging out... Sleeping in true kitty form! No worries about him!

As for the urine collection... I ended up at 2600ml or ~88 fl oz! I should know something by Tuesday... hopefully!

I think its absolutely dreadful the way we wish our lives away! But, onward I go... wishing my life away anyway!

I took my last pill today, and my bleed should start in 2-5 days! So, of course, I'm wishing those days away to get things started. Then, I'll be wishing the first 2 days away so I can go get my CD3 tests. Then, I'll be wishing away another 13 days until ovulation! Then, I'll be wishing away the 2 week wait! What a load of crap! Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish!!!

Anyway, that's me waiting... and waiting... and waiting! I hate how long bloods take to come back!

I started temping again today too! I want to watch the witch fly in! No unexpected unpleasantness for me! Should see a drop to 97.6 and then 97.2 when she's coming! Any of you waiting to test or with a new BFP, please send your witch my way... I need her! She's welcome here!

Watching "Up!"... How depressing can one movie be? Especially for a children's movie! Jeez!

I love the snipe though... Love even more that its named "Kevin" and its a girl! LOL

I guess that's the bright spot in my post! :)

♥ Meggles

A Post About Pee!

Very quick update before bed! The picture of the jug... My output is now to the top of that bottom sticker. I'm officially at 2000ml, which is the high end of normal for a 24 hour period. I still have about 8.5 hours left to collect, so who knows where I'll end up! 2500ml is officially considered "too much"... I can't imagine that I won't make it 2500ml though. In fact, if I keep going at this rate, I'll run out of room in the jug! :( I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do if that happens! Hopefully it won't! I'm guessing I'll have a drastic slow down now that I'll be asleep and not taking fluids in. But, still... I'm easily going AT LEAST 150ml each time I pee... and those are on the "small" trips. I've had a couple of times that I've nearly filled both 180ml cups and then had to empty one into the container to finish going! There's no way that this is normal. I've barely had more than 2000ml of fluid today. I can't wait to get these results back and see what's what! I'm astonished at what I'm seeing! I knew I went a lot, but I had no idea how much "a lot" really was!

So, that's me... Off the loo for one final wee before bed! I'm waking up at 7:15am to go, because I'm concerned about the amount I'd be dealing with if I wait until my actual wake up time! And, then I'll have one final go at about 11am! Then off to return the container of urine and have some more needles stuck in to me!