Bad Night...

No particular reason, I guess. Just feeling especially sorry for myself this evening. I was doing well most of the weekend, though. So, I guess an off night is okay. Its just... As much I want to get on with the bleeding... That's really "it," if you know what I mean? Granted, I've gotten quite used to the idea that its all happened again. I really, really have. I'm not even shocked. I was the only one consistently saying that I thought something wasn't right... I had a bad feeling! But, everyone insisted that it was different this time! *buzzer sound* Wrong-O!

I don't know what I'm even saying anymore! Great! Just a really depressing night... following a really depressing week!

Did I have my whine about Tuesday? I don't recall! I don't think I did! This is utterly non-conception related... but its "Fuck! What happened to my sanity?" related! So, there!

Tuesday... Oh, Tuesday! I believe that was the day that I was chasing around my blood test results (the ones that were already in)... but my husband's car also just decided to turn off at a stop light. Earlier, the battery light came on. So, we went immediately and had the battery and alternator checked. We got the "OK" on them... but were told it was likely a loose connection... "Don't worry about it! It should be fine!," says the car guy! Of course, he could have said that there was something wrong and sold us expensive car parts... So, not sure why he went with "Don't worry about it!" But, we take his word. Then about 3 hours later, the stereo clock turns off. Uh oh! I know what that means! Then, the dash lights start to dim! Aww, shit! Then some stuttering while idling... not that I didn't already know what was going to happen! It was a matter of WHERE it would happen! Of course, it happens AT A STOPLIGHT in a not-so-great area! Awesome! I had enough juice to put the hazards on and crack the windows! Its hot here! I call my husband sobbing! He tells me quite accurately that he can't do anything because he's at work! I know that, but its not what I wanted to hear! He says to call a tow truck. I tell him to call the tow truck whilst I try and find someone to get me out of the hell hole I'm stuck in! I call one of my besties, Justin! He's was only about 2 miles away, luckily! I felt awful though, because he doesn't usually see me cry! But, this was different! Plus, I hadn't ever told him about the pregnancy that I'm losing... and I was obviously still upset about that before the car thing. So, I had to tell him why I was so upset. Of course, he asks if I'm sure there's no hope, and I explained that there wasn't any question. He put his arm around me, and I cried on his shoulder while we waited for the tow. He's awesome! (He's also very gay, in case anyone wonders why my husband let's me cry in the arms of another man!)

Anyway, we have to figure out what's wrong with my husband's car (that we hate)! My car needs a wheel bearing replaced, and the shop we went to last time has jacked up their labor costs in a ridiculous way! Last time, the replacement with labor was $160. This time, they're asking $250... and the part didn't change prices... only labor! Why in the hell would I pay them an extra $90 to do the same exact thing? They asked what our labor was charged at last time when Kevin spoke with them, but he didn't know at the time. So, we've found the receipt, and he's going to call to discuss it in the morning. Hopefully they'll make some concession about the fact that its the same job on the same car... so the cost should be similar, if not the same!

Conception-wise, I have nothing to discuss! I can't do anything yet. That's also VERY frustrating! Feeling helpless is not something I'm good at! I like to be in control... and this is very out of control for me right now. I just want to do something... even if its wrong! But, I can't!

Anyway, I need to try to remember to temp in the morning! That's on the list of "important things" for me! Its hard to get back in the swing of it now that its been so long! But, I'm hoping to see the progesterone come back out of my system... I don't like the witch to catch me off guard!

Tomorrow is going to be spent with Justin again... Tuesday, not sure... Wednesday is a girl's day with my friend, Tierney! We're going to see "Letters to Juliet"... lots of tears, I imagine! Even the preview makes me cry! So, I can imagine the movie with be embarrassing sobbing like in "Time Traveler's Wife" and "Bucket List." I should remember to take tissues with me!

I guess I'm over and out for the night. That's enough boo-hoo'ing for me this time!

Hey! Maybe this won't be such a pity-fest one day! I could be happy at some point in the future... maybe!

~Megg

Wait, Wait, Wait!

Can I have my blood test results back now? That would be great! I've paid my dues, with the bruises to prove it! And, those are a week old already! You should have seen them last Friday!

Don't mind the kitty! He's just hanging out... Sleeping in true kitty form! No worries about him!

As for the urine collection... I ended up at 2600ml or ~88 fl oz! I should know something by Tuesday... hopefully!

I think its absolutely dreadful the way we wish our lives away! But, onward I go... wishing my life away anyway!

I took my last pill today, and my bleed should start in 2-5 days! So, of course, I'm wishing those days away to get things started. Then, I'll be wishing the first 2 days away so I can go get my CD3 tests. Then, I'll be wishing away another 13 days until ovulation! Then, I'll be wishing away the 2 week wait! What a load of crap! Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish!!!

Anyway, that's me waiting... and waiting... and waiting! I hate how long bloods take to come back!

I started temping again today too! I want to watch the witch fly in! No unexpected unpleasantness for me! Should see a drop to 97.6 and then 97.2 when she's coming! Any of you waiting to test or with a new BFP, please send your witch my way... I need her! She's welcome here!

Watching "Up!"... How depressing can one movie be? Especially for a children's movie! Jeez!

I love the snipe though... Love even more that its named "Kevin" and its a girl! LOL

I guess that's the bright spot in my post! :)

♥ Meggles

A Post About Pee!

Very quick update before bed! The picture of the jug... My output is now to the top of that bottom sticker. I'm officially at 2000ml, which is the high end of normal for a 24 hour period. I still have about 8.5 hours left to collect, so who knows where I'll end up! 2500ml is officially considered "too much"... I can't imagine that I won't make it 2500ml though. In fact, if I keep going at this rate, I'll run out of room in the jug! :( I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do if that happens! Hopefully it won't! I'm guessing I'll have a drastic slow down now that I'll be asleep and not taking fluids in. But, still... I'm easily going AT LEAST 150ml each time I pee... and those are on the "small" trips. I've had a couple of times that I've nearly filled both 180ml cups and then had to empty one into the container to finish going! There's no way that this is normal. I've barely had more than 2000ml of fluid today. I can't wait to get these results back and see what's what! I'm astonished at what I'm seeing! I knew I went a lot, but I had no idea how much "a lot" really was!

So, that's me... Off the loo for one final wee before bed! I'm waking up at 7:15am to go, because I'm concerned about the amount I'd be dealing with if I wait until my actual wake up time! And, then I'll have one final go at about 11am! Then off to return the container of urine and have some more needles stuck in to me!

Urine In My Refrigerator!

Yep! That's it! A big freakin' jug of urine that lives in my refrigerator! Exciting stuff, yeah? I know I was pretty stoked to hear that I would have bodily fluids sitting around where I keep my food! :(

I worry a bit about my urine volume already. Apparently 800 to 2000 milliliters per day is normal. I started my collection at 11am... well, sort of. At 11am, I discarded my FMU (as required) and I've collected everything since then. Its not 5pm and I'm already at about 500 milliliters. I have a lot of my 24 hours left to already be 1/4 of the way to the 2000 mark.

Amongst the many, many tests I'm having done... I have to do a 24 hour urine collection. Good times! The bright side? I have a doctor who believes in tests now! YAY!

To get to some of what's been tested already... She ran a full thyroid panel. The portions that have come back already were all very, very normal. There is at least one thyroid test that is still out, and she warned me that it could take up to 2 weeks (from last Friday) to get the result. Actually, almost everything looked normal... ALMOST!

My Vitamin D level was at 18 ng/mL. It showed that as "low"... but it listed the reference range as 20-100 ng/mL. So, I didn't think much of it at first glance. Then I read the paragraph below it that said <20>30 ng/mL is sufficient. Further research online showed that OPTIMAL levels are 50-70 ng/mL! Soooo, I'm WAY off from "optimal," and I'm now on a high dose supplement of it. My reading suggests that we can easily process up to 10,000 IU of it each day, so I bought 5,000 IU supplements to try and get the deficiency up to an optimal level as quickly as possible. There are many, many ugly things that the deficiency can do. So, I'm hopeful that this is part of my problem.

I plan to go to my GP with a loooooong list of blood tests that I want run. I'm sick of this crap hand that I've been dealt! I'm getting most of them done on CD3 so I don't have to go in more times than absolutely necessary!

Here's the list:

FBC - including ESR

Iron, Ferritin, B12, B6

TSH

FSH, LH, E2

lgE, lgA

Antinuclear antibodies

Cardiolipin antibodies

Lupus anticoagulant

Thrombophilia studies

Prolactin

Progesterone

T3, T4

Total Testosterone

Free Testosterone

DHEAS

Androstenedione

SHBG

Fasting Insulin

MTHFR

Then, I'll definitely be going back for 7dpo Progesterone testing! I'm not so certain that it's not still low.

Hoping I can get all of this figured out sooner than later, because its the first step in actually conceiving a HEALTHY pregnancy! I'll be reporting my results as they come in... at least the interesting ones! I'll save you the boredom of reading through the "normal" results!

I hope this post finds everyone well! I've really missed blogging here... but I just hadn't worked up the nerve to do it yet. I hope some of you are still reading!

♥ Megg

Back to Conception!

Its late, and I don't have the energy to talk much about it yet... but I found out on May 7 during my first midwife appointment that I had blighted ovum. Apparently, that was the more accurate term for what I had back in December as well. Its all semantics really... I guess it doesn't matter what its called. From what the midwife said, a missed miscarriage is when there is a visible beginning of the embryo in the sac but growth stopped and there is no heartbeat. A blighted ovum is basically the same thing, only it is when growth stops prior to a visible beginning of the embryo in the sac. Well, I had the sac, but no embryo. Honestly... What difference does it possibly make? It sucks, no matter what you call it!

I've started a prescription to bring on the bleed... again. I've had so much blood taken out of me in the last week, I can't be sure that I have any left. At least I'm being tested for a variety of things now. I don't have the time or the energy to type them all out just yet... But, I'm sure I'll get around to it soon.

Last time this happened... I took it very well. This time... Not so much! I feel like my heart has been shattered into a million little pieces. So, I'm trying to find all those pieces, dust them off, glue them back together, and find the will to try again.

Maybe my tests will give me answers... hope... peace. I only have a tiny sliver of hope so far. I'm Vitamin D deficient. There can be bad things related to that... I'm hoping its a big part of the problem. I guess I'll know more soon though.

I really, really wanted to be able to update this last Friday with a gorgeous U/S pic of happy, bouncing baby... but instead, I have to post this.

I feel like everyone I know is let down by me. I had to tell my entire family that I was a 2nd time loser. I could hear the pain in their voices... but they tried to be strong for me! And, I found out 2 days before Mother's Day! What a crock of shit is that? Timing couldn't have been worse if I'd tried. *cry*

Anyway... I'm off to bed. I guess there will be charts to stalk and all that fun stuff on here soon.

♥ Megg

Progress!

Welcome back! I'm a happy girl today! I'm happy every time I buy stuff... and did I ever buy stuff today! Haha!

I ordered 2/3 of my nursery furniture!!! I ordered the dresser and wardrobe in the picture. I found a crib I like better from the same company in reasonably the same color... So, I'll be getting that a bit later. I only ordered this early because its a 20 week order and won't be in until the end of August... and my EDD is end of November! So, it was important to get it done ASAP! I also wanted to get in on their "Buy 1 piece, get the 2nd piece for 30% off!" deal that ended at close tonight! I got the wardrobe for $279.99 and the dresser for $160.99 down from $229.99! Yay!

This is the crib! And, it doesn't have to be ordered 20 weeks in advance! :)

The crib has a little tiny bit more cherry to it than the other set but only a little. And, I like the shape a lot more than the other crib. So, since the nursery is pretty large, I intend to put them on different walls anyway... I don't think you'll notice honestly. I just wish I could see them next to each other now... ya know? Just so I could be sure! I can't stand it when wood finishes are significantly different... Probably something to do with the interior design degree! ;)

Also... I bought a pram! I'm excited! I love it! Gender neutral and GORGEOUS!

It's a Safety 1st AeroLite Travel System! The car seat is 5-35 lbs and the pram is up to 40 lbs. So, all I really need is a booster seat for after. Most infant seats only go up to about 20 lbs... So, I'm pretty happy about that! It was $179.99, and I got it 20% off... So, only $143.99!

I'm now working out paint colors! I plan to have one wall painted a sort of celery green with a chocolate brown rectangle for my wall appliqué... THIS! The other walls will probably remain the cream color they currently are!

Rectangles painted on walls aren't exactly new to me... I have hand-painted rectangles and murals all over my bedroom walls!

That's it for tonight! I might scan and post paint chips later to see what you all think! I'll add some pics/scans of the greens I know I'll be using too!

Long Time No Blog!

Its been a few days... Oops! LOL

I have new purchases, but not pics yet. My mom and aunt wanted to see what I had so far, so it's all packed neatly for ease of bringing it for my Easter visit with my family! I've gone through it all with them both already... So, I'm not unpacking it again until I get home! Lazy? Maybe! :)

I had high hopes for blogging on Friday... but Kevin got out of work an hour early so we could leave earlier... then we still didn't get on the road until 6! EEK! I guess it would have been 7 if he hadn't gotten out early though. So, it still worked out! Luckily for me, his Fridays are pretty slow! No one cares about their IT issues when they want to leave for the weekend... especially a holiday weekend!

We finally got on the road, but then stopped about 90 minutes into the 4 hour trip for a quick walk through Babies R Us! We have a Toys R Us with a small baby section, but not actual Babies R Us! It was nice... but nothing terribly special that I can't get closer to home. They just seem to have more colors of everything, but not really anything especially different... if that makes sense! Like... They have the same pram in 8 different colors/patterns... whereas we might have it in 3 colors/patterns. But, nothing really different... just more of the same thing. Now I'm rambling! Oh well!

I've picked out a few more things that I haven't bought yet. Namely, I've decided on my walker (or walker type thing) and crib bedding!

This is the walker (or walker type thing)... Its the Bright Starts Around We Go Activity Station! Considering that my house is somewhat less than an open floor plan (1920's bungalow style with lots of original oak built-ins and tons of doors)... then combine that with a plethora of antiques, breakables, family heirlooms, and stairs... I'm not very keen on the idea of a walker that rolls freely through the house. So, this... This is GREAT! It still builds walking skills... It entertains... The various activities would be motivation to move around... and its stationary! I know the biggest complaint I hear from parents/caretakers of babies who are "walker" age is that you can look away for 2 seconds and the baby is in to something s/he shouldn't be! Not with this little beauty!

And, this is my crib bedding! I first saw it last week in an ad for a crib... with no info on the bedding! That all but drove me mad... not knowing what the only bedding I've ever really liked was called or where I could get it! But, we found it... "Bali" by Cocalo! My amazing husband thought to check the Bed, Bath, & Beyond website, and there it was!!! This was really exciting right up until I realized it was around $70 more than all the other bedding I've looked at! Hell, its as much as my crib! But, I want it... So I shall have it! I actually really love the diaper stacker and mobile that goes with it too!

I got to snuggle my cousin's little girl today for the first time in well over a month... maybe more! She's just about 8 months old.... and I was worried she'd be a bit "Who the hell are you? Put me down!" since I've not been able to spend much time with her since I live 250 miles away. But, I walked in and she grabbed on to my neck and put her head on my shoulder as soon as my aunt handed her over. She supposedly difficult to keep happy... but she just held on and snuggled with me for a good 15-20 minutes. Then, I fed her a whole jar of macaroni and cheese with vegetables even though I was told she wasn't eating well because she was cutting teeth! She seemed plenty interested in eating! She would open her mouth every time I said "Bite?" It was SUPER cute! Then, I changed her diaper and got her dressed for the day! By then, she had lost interest in being doted over and preferred being in her walker and trying to get into things she shouldn't! LOL But, it was time to meet my parents for lunch... so that was my aunt's (her grandma) problem!

I don't have much else to report. I don't feel too awful, which is both fortunate and unfortunate! I'm peeing a bit more than normal... but I've also had more fluids today than usual. So, its probably entirely unrelated! Boobs still ache and I'm exhausted... I've been exhausted all day! Still having to hold back tears for no reason, and I was having hot flashes earlier! Its funny that my mom and I was both get them for utterly opposite reasons! :)

Yep! That's it! My next post should come quicker than this one did!

Love & Hugs!

Megg ♥